Outside Looking In

I just finished watching the 2^nd season of Supernatural.  (Two weeks ago… this blog is delayed due to work overload)

The latest season will really make you startle, feel like jumping off your seat, and will make you wait until you finish the whole thing in one sitting. 

I must say it is not your ordinary suspense-thriller-horror series. It’s not just about scary stuffs and supernatural/paranormal activities.  Not just about hunting the demons and saving innocent lives.  This one has a really exciting and nice story, not to forget the easy-to-root for cast.

At first, I just tried watching the 1^st season because Jared was a familiar face.  I am a big fan of Gilmore Girls where he used to play the part of Dean as Rory’s  sweetheart for two or three seasons.  Then, I got addicted and fell in love with Jensen (he plays as Dean Winchester so don’t get confused), whom I consider as my ultimate crush nowadays (hopefully forever! Sorry but I have to give up Andy Roddick hahaha!)

I really liked the 20^th episode; it stood out from the rest.  It was an episode where the brothers were hunting a Djinn, or commonly known as a genie.  In the opening, Jensen was just alone hunting this demon and when he had an encounter with it suddenly the set-up went from a very horrific scene into a bit-odd normal scenario. 

He was in the bed with a woman whom is supposed to be his wife.  (Hmmm, I wonder why I liked the episode. If that’s the case, of course, there’s still a catch.)

  He called up Sam and was really baffled because he just thought that he was drunk.  He can’t believe what was happening and was really awe-struck when he looked at one picture frame, he immediately run out of the house and another scene entered.

It was his mom, she was alive.  He and Sam apparently have separate lives and wasn’t into hunting demons.   Though his dad wasn’t alive, who died from a disease or something? (I can’t really remember, maybe I was just too busy internalizing and looking at Jensen).  Having his father alive too is something that he could even hope for, I guess.

So why did I like the story, it is because of the theme.  The genie polluted his mind from what he has wanted.  (Of course, I am referring to Dean.)  It’s like the genie granted his wish to have a normal family life.  To have Sam’s normal school life back.  And probably the most of all is to have his mother’s life back.  This also gives the fact that they don’t have to go on hunting for demons and the like.

And as the title goes, “What is and what should never be…”

the catch is, he had his wish served but everything that they have saved from the past blew away.  It was gone.  Every little detail from the past was exchanged for the new life that he has. 

With this, I started thinking and relating it with my own life.  (Yeah, this is how affected I am whenever I watch things in the tube.  I try to put myself on the same situation, and when the whole thing’s done I do spend time creating my own so-called interpretation and own twist to storylines.)

A good friend even asked me, if it’ll happen to me, what one wish I would have hoped for.  I began, to ask myself, what would it be?  It must be something that I don’t think I’ll have that easily.  Not even in the alternate future.  Something that I think I’d want that bad.  But there is a hitch; I have to give away something.  It must be a little of the same or even greater value since I am talking about demons here.

To have a dilemma like it is scary.  I’m not even sure if I’d like to be subjected to such situation.  It’s so mind boggling to the extent that I can’t even finish this stuff.

I have thought once, what I like but I don’t think at this moment that it is necessary for me to have it.  Aside from it, I find myself pathetic if I’d ask for it.  But the funny thing is I do know what I am willing to give up which I am not telling, too.  For me, giving it up is easy, I don’t want it anyway but choosing something that I like, I guess, I have to think a week or two before I finally decide.

On second thought, I’d just probably wish for Jensen Ackles’ attention and presence in my life.  Well, this wish isn’t that bad at all…  Hmmm, I am beginning to love this thought.  Just kidding hahaha…

First quarter is almost over and everything seems to be perfect.  I feel like a year has almost gone by.  I’ve lost someone, but regained some back. 

I biologically aged a year and contrary to the rumors, people do age month after month and a year makes 12 months all in all. 

In maturity perspective, I stepped backwards immaturely a couple of months ago but maturely stepped forward two years after a month or two.

Well, technically I believe that my year has just started.  It was bumpy towards the end of the year and I’m expecting that this year wouldn’t be that friendly with me.  So I guess, I’ll just have to share some good stuff from this month.  The last two months, was as rubbish as last year’s.

This marvelous month of March I was able to go the beach twice and got to fully enjoy every single moment.

First stop was Puerto Galera; a few months ago I really planned going back to the place.  I just felt like going there to snorkel.  The place boasts of beautiful corals.  Though the beach side isn’t that beautiful still I find it exciting just to go back to the place. 

My UST friends (14K) had a get together dinner and I insanely suggested that it would be fun to go to Puerto Galera for a night.  Voila!  Immediately after few hours, I found myself backpacking to the place.  We were able to go snorkeling, went island hopping, and banana boat ride.  Act falsely drunk just to keep my friends from forcing me to finish a Mindoro sling drink. Too bad I wasn’t able to enjoy the Tequila Sunrise drink, because it would be very inconsistent if I did.  The whole overnight trip was superbly the best beach party I’ve been to.  I guess having a company like friends is really a cherry on top of nice dessert.  I can’t help but crave for more. (Thanks to Aissa, Lanie and Mommy Amy)

Next and last beach fun-filled activity is the Boracay trip, which I have wanted since April 2005.  This time I get to go with my good friends Trina (Kaps) and Dennis from SMC from which I was previously connected.  This is really exciting because I get to use my mileage and got to spend for the food, and accommodations only. 

The place is really great.  The sand is so fine, it’s white and it’s the best.  We wasted no time and joined a 600-peso island tour package, which includes snorkeling, island hopping with buffet lunch and a lot more of activities.

First was the snorkeling, it’s a 10 over 10.  You’d see school of fish going towards you and you’ll just put some morsels of bread in your hands and they’d automatically approach you.  One more fun part with this is I was too brave to go directly to the ocean without using the boat’s ladder and I injured myself by getting blood clot formation after bumping into the rear side of the boat.  It was really funny!

After that we had our buffet lunch in an island where we get to go on a footstep trail over the side of a hill like place.  The food was great and the ambiance was really good.  We spent more than an hour rest and headed to Crystal Cove  where we got to see to caves actually it’s just a mini cave but still it was nice.  The fun part on this activity was on the second cave, not all came to that place because it was high tide and you’d need to swim to go to the entrance of the cave.  The swim was actually short, but for the rest of us, especially for those who freaked out it was one hell of a swim.  Okay here are the details.  Everyone has already settled.  Some foreigners actually swam out of the cave and headed to the other side while most of us, just savored the moment and place.  Then suddenly, a sea snake showed up.  It was really freaking and surprising.  I however managed to be calm yet was really afraid because I wasn’t prepared for that situation.  Luckily, I survived.

Oops, I totally forgot that we also stopped at Puka beach.  It was really memorable, too.  Though the reasons are really for the three of us only.  Sorry but no spoilers for this.

I really enjoyed it and I certainly had the best vacation ever.  I’d probably come back again.  It was nice to be away from work for a while.  This is what I need from time to time.  Just to free myself from the clutters of the city.  Being away from the mess that I have made lately.  Being away from the ghosts, that has been bugging me lately.  It was a serene place for me.  It’s like going to my comfort zone.  I can still vividly recall myself, lying down in the sand with my head laid back while staring at the stars and trying to remember my Grade 5 astrology class.

It was really serene luckily the place is not yet full of beach goers.  Aside from that, you won’t worry about being away from the Internet since; WIFI access in Boracay is now common to the place.  And how can I forget, you shouldn’t miss going to Jonah’s.  A five over five best tasting shake ever!

If you were looking for the best place to go to, it’d be Boracay!  No reasons to doubt a single penny worth of fun, believe me!

How about having a disclaimer for a start…  Well, I have noticed that writing is really more of inspiration to me.  I need to be motivated to come up with a composition.  And most of the time, my depression and tragedy sets the mood for me to do it.  Lately, I have been making up these beautiful choices that led me to be happy and contented.  Sometimes, we just need to know that we made a nice deal for ourselves despite the outcome and we just have to be pleased with it.

In reality, I don’t really have to be happy for a lot of reasons:

1. Someone I know is leaving the town alive, if you know what I mean; I have never felt this feeling since October of 2000.  Having someone who makes you happy and has been slowly being a part of your life will suddenly go away.   Though a friend have told me, there’s nothing really to worry.  I have his friendship; in fact, we were never been on the same plane.  We were never romantically in sync.  There’s a big space-time-continuum lacking.  It’s a whole complicated thing in me and for him (most probably)… it is just nothing more than what I think it is.  So, I decided to stop wallowing on something that’s not worth my time.  Though I’m still sad that I have to lose him but hopeful, that it wouldn’t end that drastic, well, the friendship at least.

2. I’m turning a year older again, and this is really shocking I’m broke.  I’ve never felt this before.  I’m the one who doesn’t have these money problems before.  Well, I’m not really broke; it’s just that I’m not really comfortable in having this limited resources thing.   How can I support my traveling get-away if I’m just earning enough money for myself?  (Well, I guess, I have to wait for the salary increase, which will happen first month of the second quarter.  And money shouldn’t really be an issue now.)

3. I’m really tired of working.  Well, too early for me to feel this way, huh.  I just turned 5 and half years in the company.  The work is challenging, it’s fun but I really feel a little wasted lately.  I don’t exactly know what I want now a days or if I really do like something at all.  (Well, I have my Boracay vacation in March to look forward to.)

Well, I know it’s not really a long list.  But the percentage basically or worth of each is really tremendous.  But I don’t really care that much either.  Like I have said, I’m pretty contented with what I have lately.  Sometimes, I just feel that life’s too boring; my days are becoming so predictable.  Fun is so much to be hoped for.

But I guess, aside from this, I have plenty of reasons to be happy, too.  Well, I don’t really need to pinpoint one by one the major reasons, why I am.  Because the truth is, there’s really no list or whatsoever.  It’s just being satisfied with what I have.  It’s being thankful of the nice things that happened in my life and the chance of journeying it in the most perfect way I believe I can. 

Life’s simply amazing…  It’s how you actually chose it to be.  God gave us life for us to make most out of it.  There’s no might have been and could have been.  Live life according to what you want it to be, and believe in God and everything will follow.

This is the beautiful awakening, and I hope you’ll have yours, too.

“As it happens sometimes a moment settled and hovered and remained.  For much more than a moment… and sound stopped… and movement stopped.  For much, much more than a moment and then, the moment was gone.”

Have you ever felt a certain time in your life that you’d like to be stuck with it?  An instant you feel like that the world isn’t against you.  A place where everything has stopped and you are with the person you’d like to spend your life with.  The single second that you’d wish you had since kindergarten.

My life isn’t that easy.  I chose it to be.  This is my fault.  This is my life. 

I have been dreamy these past few weeks.  Lingering on some things that I tried to claim as mine.  Making something last for more than that it should have been.  Creating a vivid picture of what I have always dreamed of.  Until the dose of reality hit me hard over and over, one after the other, leaving me awake, lonely and hopeless from the supposedly happy moments.

Yes, the moment was gone.  With just a snap of a finger, it was gone.  It was just a dream.

I have never been close to anything like this.  But, I’m not desperate to do anything just for this.  I’m not even compromising anything especially if it can hurt someone just to have this.

I ask of a simple thing. Having a moment of my own.  Having someone to hold me tight on nights that I am afraid of something underneath my bed.  Being locked in someone’s arms with the assurance that there’ll be a day to look forward to.  I don’t want to have just a single on the spot happiness.  I want something that will last.  I want something that can brace a strong storm.  I want something genuine.  It doesn’t have to be perfect; it only needs to be true.  Not just a dream!

I am recently engaged with One Tree Hill marathon since I decided to give it a try.  Weekends are getting a little boring and there’s nothing really good to watch at the cable.

I’ve been listening to its soundtrack.  Basically, living a life of tree hill lately.

Recently, I was struck by its story. (Season 2) It actually revolves about lies. Beneath each character has their lies, some are white lies and most of them aren’t. Trying to protect their own interest, some for others.  Which reminds me of a certain conflict in my life lately.

This is what happened.  I have been pretty much true with my feelings and was really 100% comfortable that my friend would be someone who can watch my back for me.    Someone you trusted so much and reservation wasn’t even a choice at all.  You confide everything to them so they’ll know when and how to look after you from something you are too afraid to see. Or at least that’s what I expect from them.

And it can be very disappointing that the same person would be the one to fulfill your worst dream to life.  Puzzled as I am right now and I still keep on wondering.  Like in Tree Hill, I begin to ask.  Is this friend really mine or someone else’s? 

I have never really expected that this will happen.  I don’t even think that this person is aware of what she’s done to me.  That makes me worry more.  How clueless could a friend be?  How insensitive can she get?  I can’t fathom her actions?  I can’t believe that she’d do things to hurt me and possibly in the process lose someone I truly care so much.

I have always believed that honesty will set us free.  I am ready to know.  Even how hard this can get.  I want answers to my questions.  I am prepared to deal with this pain. 

Expect the unexpected.

I have entertained the probability. I was confident that it wouldn’t happen.  I guess, I trusted so much.  I have made myself believe that one’s happiness can be set aside. 

Not until it was tested.  I can’t believe myself.  I felt the world stopped for a moment.  I wasn’t able to embrace it.   I tried to calm myself but I am tired.  Wasn’t even sure, what I was thinking the whole time? 

Have I ridiculed myself?  Have I no self-respect?

Now, I found myself downhearted.  Trapped by my own misery.  Trying to find my way out.  Praying to God to shed some light on me. 

I thought I am stronger than this.  But I was wrong.  I have overestimated myself. 

How can I go on now?  I am really helpless.  I never anticipated that this would be this hard.

How can I trust someone after this?  Please tell me where to start.

Few days are left for the year; and I’m thinking of just skipping it and sleep for the remaining period?  Lately, I’m not in the mood to be happy.  I can’t find any reason to be. 

Again, I’m longing for something that’s illogical.  Being human says, it’s okay for it but I’m saying that it’s just crap.  Dreaming of something that I can’t ever have is truly unbelievable.  At first, I thought it was just a temporary insanity.  But it went wrong; today it’s trying to seek for permanence in my life.  This is what’s screwing my mind and heart for the past two weeks or so?  But I refused to continue on. 

Loneliness has never been good to me. 

Reality:  The enigma that I thought there is wasn’t there anymore.  I can’t do anything about it because it is the truth.  Nothing can be done about it besides you can’t fix something that wasn’t there all along.  I guess I just have to stand it.

The open space between what I know and what I tried to believe in was unraveled to me. 

I’ll be on sabbatical. 

I don’t want to miss the sunshine.  But with these, I guess I have to for a little while until I find a good sense of reason why I need to wake up for another day. 

You know how it is when you really care about someone. 

You’d feel like to call him because you just want to know how their day is going.  What they’re thinking about and if they’re thinking about you.  You’d spend all day trying to find a perfect way to make a conversation with him because all you have is idle talk.  You’d desire to have dinner with him and hope that the night won’t end. You’d sleep at night and ponder if he dreams about you.

Sometimes, I just wish that he could trade places with me so he would know how it feels. 

That it is just simple… You just want to be with him.  Be there when the going gets tough.  Make him happy when he isn’t.  Smile and stare at him for no reason at all.  Talk to him about nothing in particular, something stupid and basically everything all at the same time.  Watch him closely sleep at night and be the first to say hello in the morning.

If it can only be that easy then I might not be having this thought tonight.

Believe me it is just as simple as it sounds.  True to life, true to love, true to me.

I missed my Monday movie nights.  Glad that lately, everything’s going back to normal.  Slack season has started and enjoying the movies seems possible to do once again.

I have recently watched “The Prestige.”  There’s more to it than magic and mystery.

According to the movie, great magic is composed of three parts:

1. The pledge – the part where the magician shows something that appears ordinary

2. The turn – the part where the ordinary becomes extraordinary

3. The prestige – which is the greatest ingredient of all, it is where “the twists and turns, and you see something shocking you’ve never seen before”

The plot of the movie worked like magic.  It marked a nice lesson on me.  It’s a tale of obsession and revenge that went wrong.  The characters were too busy to overdo each other becoming preoccupied and neglecting what they have become.  Overlooking of what they have lost, relationship, respect, all for exchange of getting “the prestige”.

As the Great Danton said in the movie that “The reason for doing the magic is to see the faces of surprise in the audience as they suspend their disbelief for just one moment in a world where everything can appear to be explained.”

If it could only be that simple then everything might have been different. 

It’s full of deceit, battle of supremacy, and magic tricks with deadly consequences.

At the end of it, you’ll ask yourself, “What is one willing to sacrifice for the prestige?”  Is it really worth to lose everything for it?  At the end of it, will this make you happy?

A very well crafted movie, it’s a nice way to end a busy day.  Five stars!!! Two thumbs up!  Superb!

Lately I have been insanely detached with the truth.  Well, it’s not easy being me.  My world of illusions and fantasies will always be there.  I thought I have always kept a certain dose of reality.  Until, one night I found myself being knocked down by a great disappointment, fear came as the door of depression starts to invite me in.  Luckily, the window of hope shed some light on me. 

I expected so much from something that I know I won’t have.  At first, I was hesitant to believe that it was happening but still I dreamed on.  I can’t blame myself because I was misled; I was trapped for the time being.  Then the suspected unfortunate event happened.  I can’t contain my emotions and my frustrations grew and drew closer; I have no choice but to forgive myself.  I just can’t believe I followed through that.

Lessons learned:

1. Be happy when it is within your reach.

2. Don’t be too dreamy about love.

3. Shit happens.

4. Expect a bright tomorrow.

********

Sometimes, all you need is pain to remind you of the past lessons that you have learned but failed to practice. 

By the way, I believed in lesson number 4 and something unexpected happened that led to lesson number 1.  I just hope that after all of this, I won’t forget lesson number 2.

Life’s good if you just believe.  Just believe.