Outside Looking In

Expect the unexpected.

I have entertained the probability. I was confident that it wouldn’t happen.  I guess, I trusted so much.  I have made myself believe that one’s happiness can be set aside. 

Not until it was tested.  I can’t believe myself.  I felt the world stopped for a moment.  I wasn’t able to embrace it.   I tried to calm myself but I am tired.  Wasn’t even sure, what I was thinking the whole time? 

Have I ridiculed myself?  Have I no self-respect?

Now, I found myself downhearted.  Trapped by my own misery.  Trying to find my way out.  Praying to God to shed some light on me. 

I thought I am stronger than this.  But I was wrong.  I have overestimated myself. 

How can I go on now?  I am really helpless.  I never anticipated that this would be this hard.

How can I trust someone after this?  Please tell me where to start.

Few days are left for the year; and I’m thinking of just skipping it and sleep for the remaining period?  Lately, I’m not in the mood to be happy.  I can’t find any reason to be. 

Again, I’m longing for something that’s illogical.  Being human says, it’s okay for it but I’m saying that it’s just crap.  Dreaming of something that I can’t ever have is truly unbelievable.  At first, I thought it was just a temporary insanity.  But it went wrong; today it’s trying to seek for permanence in my life.  This is what’s screwing my mind and heart for the past two weeks or so?  But I refused to continue on. 

Loneliness has never been good to me. 

Reality:  The enigma that I thought there is wasn’t there anymore.  I can’t do anything about it because it is the truth.  Nothing can be done about it besides you can’t fix something that wasn’t there all along.  I guess I just have to stand it.

The open space between what I know and what I tried to believe in was unraveled to me. 

I’ll be on sabbatical. 

I don’t want to miss the sunshine.  But with these, I guess I have to for a little while until I find a good sense of reason why I need to wake up for another day.