Outside Looking In

“As it happens sometimes a moment settled and hovered and remained.  For much more than a moment… and sound stopped… and movement stopped.  For much, much more than a moment and then, the moment was gone.”

Have you ever felt a certain time in your life that you’d like to be stuck with it?  An instant you feel like that the world isn’t against you.  A place where everything has stopped and you are with the person you’d like to spend your life with.  The single second that you’d wish you had since kindergarten.

My life isn’t that easy.  I chose it to be.  This is my fault.  This is my life. 

I have been dreamy these past few weeks.  Lingering on some things that I tried to claim as mine.  Making something last for more than that it should have been.  Creating a vivid picture of what I have always dreamed of.  Until the dose of reality hit me hard over and over, one after the other, leaving me awake, lonely and hopeless from the supposedly happy moments.

Yes, the moment was gone.  With just a snap of a finger, it was gone.  It was just a dream.

I have never been close to anything like this.  But, I’m not desperate to do anything just for this.  I’m not even compromising anything especially if it can hurt someone just to have this.

I ask of a simple thing. Having a moment of my own.  Having someone to hold me tight on nights that I am afraid of something underneath my bed.  Being locked in someone’s arms with the assurance that there’ll be a day to look forward to.  I don’t want to have just a single on the spot happiness.  I want something that will last.  I want something that can brace a strong storm.  I want something genuine.  It doesn’t have to be perfect; it only needs to be true.  Not just a dream!

I am recently engaged with One Tree Hill marathon since I decided to give it a try.  Weekends are getting a little boring and there’s nothing really good to watch at the cable.

I’ve been listening to its soundtrack.  Basically, living a life of tree hill lately.

Recently, I was struck by its story. (Season 2) It actually revolves about lies. Beneath each character has their lies, some are white lies and most of them aren’t. Trying to protect their own interest, some for others.  Which reminds me of a certain conflict in my life lately.

This is what happened.  I have been pretty much true with my feelings and was really 100% comfortable that my friend would be someone who can watch my back for me.    Someone you trusted so much and reservation wasn’t even a choice at all.  You confide everything to them so they’ll know when and how to look after you from something you are too afraid to see. Or at least that’s what I expect from them.

And it can be very disappointing that the same person would be the one to fulfill your worst dream to life.  Puzzled as I am right now and I still keep on wondering.  Like in Tree Hill, I begin to ask.  Is this friend really mine or someone else’s? 

I have never really expected that this will happen.  I don’t even think that this person is aware of what she’s done to me.  That makes me worry more.  How clueless could a friend be?  How insensitive can she get?  I can’t fathom her actions?  I can’t believe that she’d do things to hurt me and possibly in the process lose someone I truly care so much.

I have always believed that honesty will set us free.  I am ready to know.  Even how hard this can get.  I want answers to my questions.  I am prepared to deal with this pain.